How to Include Family in Advising

Working with the families of our students can be challenging. They want nothing but the best for their children but sometimes what they want is not always within our scope to provide. Then, of course, there is FERPA or the Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act that limits how much, if anything, we can share with them about their student. Nevertheless, a student’s family can be a huge influence on their time in college, for better or for worse. Their opinions, desires and concerns matter, especially if they are footing the bill. Thus, we have a responsibility as advisors to include the family in our advising appointments. Here are some ways to do this:

Ask them about their family

The simple question of “How is your family doing?” serves multiple purposes. First, it shows our students that we care about them as whole people not just as students. After all, our role goes far beyond telling them what courses to take but instead, we are often their first point of contact for any challenges or concerns they may encounter, academic or personal. Second, this question allows us to find out how big of a role their family plays in their academics and their future career goals. This is crucial to know early because it may change how we advise them. For example, advising a student who has a good relationship with their parents looks vastly different from a student who was emancipated and whose parents don’t even know that they are currently in college. When I first started working in student affairs as a graduate assistant, I remember telling students that they needed to make decisions independent of their parents’ opinions or wishes. I now realize that that advice came from a place of naiveté and ignorance. Naiveté because I still rely on my parents’ advice quite often myself and ignorance because I ended up ignoring huge pieces of the students. I wasn’t treating them as whole people but instead as relics stuck in this one moment in time in which we both found ourselves, to become outmoded as soon as they walked out the door. I also ended up ignoring cultural factors that make some students more reliant on their parents than others. Now, if their family plays a big part in their academics, I make sure to include them in the decision making process when appropriate.

Include them in the advising appointment

I don’t necessarily mean literally including them in the advising appointment as in a mother who physically accompanies her daughter to the appointment, for example. Although, as long as a FERPA is on file, that is totally fine. No, I mean it in the sense that I touched on previously. If I meet with a student who has a close relationship with their parents and values their opinions, then I too must value their opinions. Here’s an example of a conversation I’ve had before:

Or

Including the family in the advising appointment can be as simple as validating the student in wanting to consult with their parents first and providing them with the resources and information they need to make the conversation with their parents as productive and fruitful as possible.

Remember to still give agency to the student

Including the family in the decision making process is important. However, there has to be a balance between inclusion and encouraging agency. Because at the end of the day, it really should be the student’s decision, whether that’d be a change of major, transferring institutions or something else entirely. Let me give you an example that will help explain this better:

This is a real conversation I had with a student, who is now an English major by the way. Sometimes they need someone to tell them that they can make a decision that doesn’t align with what their parents want. For some students, like the one from the conversation above, we may be the first to give them that kind of power over their own future. Something to keep in mind is that not all students to whom we give this power will be ready for it. When that happens, it is crucial to focus on what agency they do have such as in the following example:

Because we, as academic advisors, know that a lot of the resistance from parents comes from not having all of the information. Arming the student with the necessary resources gives them the confidence to tackle a potentially difficult conversation. And, if that fails, we need to assure the student that we’ll be here to help and support them no matter what.

Set boundaries for parents with no boundaries

But what about parents who blatantly overstep boundaries? Such as the parent who calls us asking for weekly updates on their child’s grades or who emails us incessantly wanting to know what their child’s future in healthcare looks like. We’ve all had to deal with them at some point or another and while it can be frustrating in the moment, we must take a step back and try to approach them with compassion and understanding. They love their child and are just concerned for their well being. And, as mentioned earlier, at the root of their concerns is usually lack of information which is typically the result of a less than forthcoming student. So what do we do? I usually defer to providing very general information, FERPA or no FERPA. The last thing I want to do is set a precedent that they can call at any time and receive updates on their student’s every move. Furthermore, I cite resources and statistics when I have them. More importantly, however, I encourage them to speak to their student and I encourage the student to do the same. Here are my last examples:

Or

In both examples, I set boundaries without cutting off either party from the conversation. The parent is still included, as much as the student will allow.

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What is your take on working with parents? What have been some of your strategies to including the family? Leave your thoughts in the comments!

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