Personal Reflection

Slowing Down

As the year is winding down and the temperature is dropping, we are entering a time of rest and reflection. Animals are going into hibernation and trees are shedding their leaves to rest before new growth in the spring. During the winter season, all of nature slows down and takes a much needed nap. All of nature, except us. In this capitalist, white supremacist society, we humans are expected to keep on running, to keep on producing. It feels unnatural because it is.

My fingers no longer glide effortlessly across my keyboard but fall heavily and sluggishly onto singular letters. My brain no longer functions at the same high speed capacity that runs through multiple heavy-load projects within one week. Now, the crafting of one mail-merge has to be scheduled onto a day during which that’ll be my only task. Doing laundry and folding it in the same day? Forget about it! Cleaning my entire apartment all on the same day? That’s funny. Perhaps one room a day spaced out over the next 2 weeks.

My body moves slower. My brain takes just a little longer to process. And you know what? I am feeling more at peace and at ease than I have in a long while. I’m moving with the tides, with the seasons of our planet. Rather than pushing myself beyond the healthy limits and resisting the natural need for rest, I have let myself be carried away with the current. I haven’t written for this blog in a month, because my body and my mind necessitates that I focus on the non-negotiables – showering, eating, taking care of my dog, working so I can pay rent – that kinda stuff. But beyond that? I can’t guarantee it.

I’ve been treating myself like a machine for so long – all output, goals, achievements and the like, but no input. No reflection, soul searching, meditating, journaling, seeking spiritual guidance. I talked about burnout not too long ago but it’s much deeper than that. This is not just about work. This is much bigger than the 9-5 (which, don’t get me started on how inefficient and stupid the whole 40-hour work week is). I’ve been trying to fill my spirit with…numbers, results, production. It’s like filling your body with nothing but sugar and air and then wondering why you’re never fully satisfied. Why you’re tired without having done anything meaningful.

There are moments when I turn off the tv in the middle of an episode and I just lay there staring at the ceiling, reveling in the silence and finding a new appreciation for my warm and safe home. I look over at my pup snoozing happily in her usual spot and I feel nothing but content and gratitude. I don’t feel the need to do anything or be anywhere. I’m enjoying the present moment and all of the silence and reflection it has to offer.

Take from all of this what you will. I no longer feel the need to over explain my message or leave you with some sort of satisfying conclusion. It just is.

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